So much for sleeping tonight...

Funny how a tiny phrase will spark a heavy, painful memory. The years fly by, but certain memories just seem like they happened yesterday.

I was 19, my first year of college was over, and I had just ended my first serious relationship. 7 years later, a phrase in a dream jerks me awake and sends me into an emotional frenzy. So here I am at 4:30a telling anyone who is still reading this blog thing all about it.

The phrase that ended my relationship? "Jared, I just want to hold you forever."

Ok. What? My name isn't Jared. I'm Erik. Who the hell is Jared, and why do you want to hold him instead of me? My mind was reeling!

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At the time, I was dating this guy. We'll call him Mr. K, to preserve his identity. He was funny, brilliant, and very successful (despite being only 22, he was very successful to the point where he could afford a house himself). He was just great! Except he wasn't faithful.

We dated for a good 9 months before I found this out. As I was leaving his house one night, we stood there in the doorway hugging goodnight when he leaned in and whispered "The Phrase". I pulled away and looked at him funny, and he must not have caught it because he questioned my look. I told him that he had called me "Jared", not "Erik", and that I was concerned. He laughed it off and said I must have misheard him. I must have.

A couple days later I was over watching a movie with him. He got up to use the restroom, and immediately his phone went off. I picked it up to answer for him, but it was a text message rather than a phone call. I did what I shouldn't have done - I read his text messages. I shouldn't have for a couple reasons. One, because it violates trust. (I have a whole separate theory on that though, so I'll save it for another day.) And two, I didn't like what I saw. He had been sexting back and forth with a "Jared" for almost 6 months! I put the phone down and acted like nothing happened. About an hour later he got a phone call and had to take it.

When he came back, I said, "How's Jared doing?" He looked guilty. I told him that I knew about Jared, that what hurt me most was that I was lied to, and that it made me feel like less than a person.

To make an already long story short, I left him right there. I probably said things which I would deeply regret if I remembered. I was also wrong in that. BUT HE WAS CHEATING! So, by the laws of Karma, I was justified. (Okay, not really.)

I guess the point that I'm trying to get to is that even though terrible, negative things happen, life still goes on. I was emotionally bruised and angry. I dated a few other people after Mr. K, but they were just blah. Mostly filler. Then I met my partner. The one who made it all worth it.

My partner, Drew, and I will be celebrating 5 years in August, which is something like 15 years in Gay Years, so it's big! (We'll accept travel packages and gift certificates. Contact me for delivery information!)

In all seriousness though, I'm happy for that bad ending. It opened a new door in my life. I also recently found out that Mr. K just celebrated 4 years with his man, so congratulations! I'm truly happy to see that he found the right man! Maybe it was a blessing and a lesson for both of us. Thanks, Mr. K! And Drew, I love you! *Big smiles*

My oh my!

Alright cherubs, it's time to unload!

The short of it is this: School is great, but I just don't have time for much of anything. I might have time to eat breakfast in the morning if I'm lucky, but that's a stretch. I at least get to shower everyday though, so that's a plus!

I graduate in a few months, so I have that to look forward to. It seems like it was yesterday when I started school, but at the same time, it seems like it has been dragging on and on with no end in sight. It's a very bittersweet feeling knowing that I'm graduating soon. I haven't really given much thought as to what I'm going to do when I'm licensed either. I mean, yeah, I don't graduate until the end of May, so I still have time. However, in school and professional terms that's basically next week. I should be hitting the ground running everyday looking for a place to work, or at least finding out what I need to work for myself. We'll see what happens.

On a happier note, yesterday I was given what is probably the greatest compliment I've ever received. The girlfriend of one of my instructors came in yesterday for a massage, and she told me that my instructor is always talking about how great, attentive, and professional I am. Also, she said that I gave her the best massage she has ever received. She left me a $30 tip... Yeah, I'm pretty awesome. (I'm also humble) I need more people like that. People like "that" being those who actually appreciate the kind of work I do. I prefer to receive extremely deep work, which I happen to gravitate towards whenever I work on people. I love deep tissue and structural work. I can easily give your standard "Fluff & Buff" massage, but I like to send my clients away feeling like they actually received something that benefits them in the long run. (I give a great Swedish too though, so don't judge me!) It would be nice to find more people who enjoy, or at least appreciate the benefits of deep tissue work. 

I'll take referrals, so I'm open to anyone who will let me work on them... Anyone?

Love and other drugs (Not the movie. Okay, a little bit about the movie)

Though Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway would make excellent topics for a bloggity-blog post, I'm not going to be opening that door now. Maybe later. He's a "Butter Face" and she seems to only know how to play one type of character. Though she did a good job in Bare, er, Brokeback Mountain and Love And Other Drugs.

Anyhooters, back at the base (Chez Moi), some crazy scheiße has gone down this past week. Bathrooms were re-tiled, part of the ceiling was replaced, bedroom carpets were replaced, and lots o' crap has been packed into boxes and moved into the garage until further notice. (For those of you not in the loop, the family is moving to California. Dad's job blah blah blah, keep the family together blah blah blah, witness protection blah blah blah [okay, that part isn't true].) Dad has had a lot of work in California for the past 18 or so months, so we hardly ever get to see him anymore. The family unanimously decided that moving everyone out there so we could all be together would be the best way to fix this awful situation. Everything was all fine and dandy with that until, BAM!, I was accepted into a school nearby. Nearby is a very loose term. It's an hours' ride on the train, then another 20 minutes walking from there. Anyway, because of this, I'm staying back here in Utah while the family goes off to Paradise, I mean, California.

Not everything involved with this is bad though. I'm moving up closer to my school, I found a killer house to live in, and the owners of the house are pretty much my Fairy God-people.

We all know how great relationships are. We also know how much they can really suck at times. Luckily those times are few and far between... After recently having a big argument with my better half, my Fairy God-people came to my rescue. I was convinced that things were over. It's pretty sad that after three rough, but incredible years, something small had the potential to just snowball into something huge and catastrophic! Anyway, my Fairy God-people are just the greatest! (To protect the names of the innocent, they will be called "Fairy God 1" and "Fairy God 2") Fairy God 2 called me this evening just to check up and see how things are going. (I had been texting Fairy God 1 earlier, so I guess they already had an idea as to what was going on.) As we talked, I told FG2 about the argument that had taken place. As an ever-loving omniscient Fairy, FGs 1 and 2 talked me down and brought me back to earth. During the argument, I guess I had made a few ultimatums, said a lot of things that I regret, and also said a lot of hurtful things. In my defense however, I had a rough weekend, and it just carried into today, so I was being irrational! (Poor excuse, I know.)

I had myself convinced that my relationship was over. There was absolutely no way that it could possibly be salvaged. Ever. Guess what though!! I had to be rational for 5 minutes... Yeah, things are good. I wasn't ready to be single again. Going out and looking for dates is NOT my idea of fun. Period.

Love and other drugs. Jake Gyllenhaal. This stupid fight I've been dealing with just makes me think of the movie. Jack Twist and Lureen Newsome, I mean Jamie Randall and Maggie Murdock fall in love under unlikely circumstances. (You thought I was going to make a Brokeback Mountain joke, huh?) Anyway, Gyllenhaal and Hathaway's characters fall in love, have a rocky relationship, they love each other, they hate each other, they love each other some more. They have sex, they hate each other, they love each other, they run away together, they hate each other. Ultimately then end up together. We all saw that one coming. That's a little bit how I feel about this whole stupid thing. We love each other, we don't like each other, we love each other, we don't like each other. We go run away for a couple days together, we don't like each other, we love each other. The more I think about it though, that's pretty normal. We love each other regardless of what happens. We may not like each other, but we love each other.

Love is my drug. How's that? I think I have an addiction. Not necessarily to be accepted, but to be loved. I don't need to be loved by everybody I know; I just need to be loved by one person. Not just being told that I'm loved, but rather knowing that I am. Maybe that isn't an addiction. Because really, if you think about it, that's a basic human need. We all need to feel and be loved. Humans are like plants. Plants need water the same way we need love. If you don't water a plant, the plant dies (I'm going to smack anyone who talks about succulents. Those plants are just weird, so don't even bother. They're like the emo kids of the world anyway). Humans start to die if we aren't shown love.

I need to type about something else because all that up there didn't really turn out the way I was wanting it to, and I'm not in the mood to go back and edit everything. All that aside, what turned out to be a horrible experience actually turned out relatively well. We're still hurt and upset at each other, but we love each other nonetheless.  I've covered love, but I don't think I've talked about any drugs in here...

Ooh! Last week I scraped my knee really bad. I was being a wuss because it was still bloody and bruised, so I took a Lortab. I don't know why I even bother taking Lortab for anything, it doesn't do anything for me. It doesn't kill pain, nor does it make me loopy. To be honest, I'm a little jealous of everyone who says Lortab makes them loopy and fuzzy feeling all over. Lucky kids.

Aie!

I seem to have absolutely no problem posting things on Twitter and Facebook, but I just can't seem to post anything on here... Give me until the 31st, and I'll get something worth reading up and posted!

Thanks all!

<Choose Your Own Witty Title>

I know it's been ages since I last posted, and I apologize. Not that it matters much though, since this doesn't get read. I guess this is more of an emotional release than anything, really.

Alright cherubs, here goes...

The past few weeks have been very difficult, to be honest. I'm back in  school (which I love), I'm getting ready to move (potentially, but I'm excited either way), and I'm still looking for a job (which is a necessary evil). Why can't prostitution be legal? I'm sure I'd have a few loyal clients...

All that aside, it's been stressful! The rest of the family is getting ready to move to California, while I'm staying here in Salt Lake to finish school. I've done the "move away from home, grow up, be independent, start a life" thing, but I always end up back here. Maybe it's just my security blanket. I'm really not looking forward to them moving. I like having them right here where I can see them, feel them, and be with them. I'm not afraid to be back on my own, I would just rather be with my family altogether.

Regardless of how I feel, I can't change the inevitable. I'll be moving closer to school, and my family will be moving closer to my Dad's work. At least it will make commuting for both of us less of a hassle...

I mean really, how fun does it sound to be commuting 3 hours total everyday to and from school? I think I'll pass. Why am I going to a school so far away versus one closer? For a few reasons, actually.

- 1. My best friend teaches here, so I already had an "in".
- 2. I saved about $2000 by going here.
- 3. I'd rather be in a smaller class where I'm a name rather than a number. Plus, I get all of my professors' personal contact info.
- 4. This massage school has a higher graduation rate compared to my other option.
- 5. It's WAY laid back. Heave course load and demanding work, but very casual and friendly.

Anyway, there were lots of perks for me. Plenty more than what I listed. I'm loving it all! Oh! Another one: I get at least one massage everyday. Yeah, that's pretty awesome.

Massage is fun, and I enjoy the happiness, serenity, peace, and joy it brings people.

Oh! Ready for some trivia? The earliest recorded text mentioning massage comes from China. It was written back in 2600 BC (some date it to 400 BC, but that's not important.) The methods described in this text made their way over to Japan where the Japanese developed shiatsu. Now, the Japanese were more accomodating and accepting than the Chinese, as the Japanese used massage as a way to employ the blind! (The Chinese usually locked the blind away, or killed them.) The blind made/make excellent therapists because their sense of touch was/is so sensitive. They excelled at their art, and shiatsu eventually became one of the most popular massage practices around the world. (The seeing are allowed to do shiatsu, just in case anyone was wondering.)

Interesting, huh? I thought it was, at least.

The Rapture

Dear 6 Readers:

As we've all heard, Harold Camping of "Family Radio" has predicted that the Rapture will occur TOMORROW between 5pm and 6pm in your local time zones around the world. "God's elect" will be raptured up (about 200 million people, or 3% of the world's population), while the rest of the world will be left here to wait for the ultimate end of the world. The Armageddon, if you will. He predicts that the end of the world as we know it will actually be on October 21, 2011 - five months after The Rapture. He claims here that according to the Bible, the world is supposed to be destroyed by a "great flood" a second time.

For argument's sake, let's say that today really is the last day before The Rapture. How would you spend your last day? What would you do?

What do Lady Gaga, a near-death experience, and C.S. Lewis have to do with each other?

I'll tell you!

Back in March I was fortunate enough to see Lady Gaga in concert when the "Monster Ball" came through. (Put your paws up, you little monsters! RAAAAAHH!) I know what most of you are thinking though: "Ugh, something ELSE about Gaga? Spare me!" Hold tight, little cherubs, I'll make this as painless as possible. Just relax.

The concert isn't my main focus, so I'll get to it. You all know her song "Born This Way," right? Well, during the concert she was talking about what inspired her to write "Born This Way" and it turns out it was her own mother and her love for God. (Crazy, huh? Gaga in love with God and Jesus? Who'da thunk...) She was telling us how that when she was in middle school, she was bullied and made fun of for such and such a reason. She told us that she would go home, and more often than not, she would cry to her Mom about how horrible the kids were to her, how she was made fun of for this and that, and how she would never go back to school because of the bullying. He Mom sat her down and told her that no matter what happened, she would always be better than those kids. She would make the world her stage, she would be a fabulous star, and one day the kids who teased her would really respect her. Of course, Moms just tell us all of those things to make us feel better. It seemed to work well enough, because she went back to school, ended up graduating, then getting accepted into Julliard on a hefty scholarship. She was telling us about other talks she had with her Mom, and how her Mom would tell her that God doesn't make mistakes. If you were born a certain way, then that's how He wanted it to be.

That was the point where I had a huge "Ah-ha Moment", and of all places, a Gaga concert... Hah!

So, how does Gaga tie into near-death experiences? About a month ago I was rushed to the ER with severe abdominal pain. I ate lunch, and about 10 minutes after eating I started feeling sick. I didn't think much of it, because I ate a really big lunch. I just thought it was my body telling me that I overdid it. I went along with my day, but the pain kept getting worse. I decided to take a shower, thinking that it would help me relax and dull the pain a bit. The shower actually made it worse... During my shower, the pain was so bad that it made me throw up a few times. I cleaned myself up again, got out, got dressed, then went upstairs to call someone to drive me to the hospital. While waiting, I couldn't handle the pain, so I threw up again. My ride finally showed up, but I could barely walk the 20 feet to the car.

During the ride to the hospital, I was convinced that I was going to die. I couldn't take a full breath, my heartbeat was up in the 200s - I was hyperventilating from the pain. Bad. I had never experienced anything so painful, and I was sure that the hospital couldn't do anything about it, so I was convinced that I was going to die. I did some serious death-bed/death-car seat praying. In the 10 minutes it took to get to the hospital, I felt calm enough that if I were to die, I wouldn't have any regrets, nor would I have anything to answer for to God. I was happy with where I was, who I was, because baby, I was born this way! ;-)

Long story short, they fixed me just fine. They gave me a bunch of heavy pain killers, nausea pills, ran a load of tests, then sent me home. Turns out I was having a severe gallbladder attack. Nothing that could kill anyone, but enough to really hurt them and make them wish they were dead.

On the subject of death, has anyone else heard of the theory that the world is going to end on May 21? Here's the link: http://www.familyradio.com/graphical/literature/judgment/judgment.html

This guy claims that he has found all the answers in the Bible about exactly when the world will end. Rather than try to explain it all, just go read it. It would make a lot more sense from this whack job, er, guy. However, if the world IS going to end on the 21st, I'm not taking any chances! I'm ready to go! No regrets.

And on the subject of the world ending, C.S. Lewis makes it sound so wonderful! Has anyone ever read "The Chronicles of Narnia"? In the last book, "The Last Battle", he describes the end of the world. It is just the end of THAT world, but not of life. Life will still continue, but in a different way. We will go on living in a whole other world very similar to ours, but still quite different. And really, it makes perfect sense! 

Not that I actually believe the world is going to end on the 21st, because I don't, but why not be ready anyway? The Bible says that the world was cleansed once already by water (Noah), and that it will never be cleansed that way again, instead it will be cleansed by fire (Armageddon) this next and final time. I'm actually excited for that day, to be honest! What do any of us have to fear, really? I'm really not too scared to meet God, I'm more afraid of what will happen to the rest of the world. I've accepted God into my heart, I've been baptized, and I know that Jesus is my Saviour. I'm not afraid of how I will end up - I know where I stand in favor to God.

So, what do Lady Gaga, death-bed experiences, and C.S. Lewis have in common? They all have a tie to God, and they all gave me little "Ah-ha Moments" to let me know that I have nothing to worry about!