Challenge Day 6

Day 6: Write a letter to someone who has hurt you in the past.

Well, first I would like to say that in this letter you will find some things you never knew about me! Some of the things I am going to write may make you uncomfortable, but it's time I move past the hurt and stop being a victim, and start being proactive about it and my life. That being said, I wholeheartedly apologize in advance if anyone gets offended, shocked, or upset over this. However, I really look forward to reading all feedback on this!


To The Attacker:


Why? Why did you do it? What made you think that it was okay to take something that wasn't yours for the taking? How could you think that it would ever have been okay to rip a part of my soul away from me, never to be repaired? In the few weeks I knew you, I trusted you. You seemed like such a good, trustworthy, amiable, admirable person. I couldn't have been more wrong...


You took something that wasn't yours. That's thievery. And that is exactly what you are: A thief! I really should have followed my instincts rather than the peer pressure. Going on a date with you was a horribly wrong decision, and I had the feeling that it was even before we actually met. You "wined and dined" me, sweet talked your way into getting closer, then just attacked me. Even after all of that, you left me for dead in the middle of a field, without a ride home, my phone nearly dead, and scared out of my mind!


I'm willing to bet that you had no idea that as soon as I was able to form a solid, coherent thought, I called for rescue. While waiting for my Saints to pick me up, the police came. Of course, though, the police just laughed the whole situation off because really, I'm a guy. We don't get raped... (Sorry officers, but we do! I'm living proof of it. But, I'm not writing this to the officers, so moving on.) As far as I'm aware, no charges were pressed against you. You may think that you've won because you were never caught, but that's not true! I've spoken to a few other people who have had run-ins with you, and I'm not alone in this.


That being said, what are you afraid of? Do you just have an itch that you can't quite get rid of? Are you aroused by the taboo of it? Either way, what you did was illegal and dead wrong! I sincerely hope you pay for what you did to me when you reach the Hereafter.


Because of you, I've been a silent victim for years. Why haven't I spoken up until now? Because it's laughable at best. No one looks twice at a male rape victim. We don't exist. (At least according to technical statistics.) Men are never the victims. We're the ones who are the abusers, not the abused. We are the rapists, not the raped. I've been silent about this for far too long. You are a coward. You are an impatient, sour, vile, cowardly lout!


You don't deserve love. Why? Because you steal it from the innocent. You've stolen love from me, friends, and probably dozens of others. You tore our souls in half, leaving an un-fixable scar down the middle. You make it so we probably won't be capable of knowing or showing the full capacity of love that we might have had to offer had you not been around. I myself have fought feelings of worthlessness, severe depression, self-hatred, and self-abuse while trying to rise above what you did.


You may think that you've won because you got away, but really, you're far from it! I may be another "easy lay" that you have tucked under your belt, but I am not a victim anymore. If by chance you ever read this, you know exactly who you are! I am standing up for myself, for my fellow brothers and sisters, and for the countless other rape victims in the world. I really feel sorry for you though. You are incredibly attractive, and you could easily find a person who is perfect for you, settle down, adopt a bunch of kids, have puppies together, and have your cute little house with white picket fence around the yard. I'm sorry that you won't have that. I'm sorry that you will never know love. I'm sorry that you have to fill your own void by stealing parts from others. I pray for your soul, or at least what's left of it. I hope you have a good life.


Sincerely,
Erik Donaldson


P.S.


To my fellow victims/survivors: You are NOT worthless! You are NOT unloved! You should NOT have anything to be depressed about! You should LOVE yourselves more and more everyday! Why? Because you are survivors. For each day you live after the attack, you are that much stronger. You are all beautiful, and you all have my full support behind you!


I know how it feels to be the victim. I know how it feels to have everything that is sacred and private literally torn away from you in an instant. I know how it feels immediately after, for the days, weeks, and months following the attack. However, I am here to say that I believe in you, and that I know you can make it through it! I would be lying if I said that suicide wasn't a near-constant thought in the few months following my attack. I'm so glad I never acted upon it! My life now is fantastic! Suicide is the coward's way out, and it shows the attacker that he/she won. Don't you ever do that! Be strong! What helped me best deal with it was the "burning journal".


What's a "burning journal"? Go out and buy a notebook. (Nothing fancy, just one of the cheap 50 cent ones from Walmart of the kind you're supposed to have for school. You know, where you go out to buy 50 of them, but only use 3 during the whole year.) In that notebook you start keeping a journal/diary. This isn't your typical journal though. For me, at least, in my personal journal I write down everything that happened that day, whether it be good or bad. I mainly try to focus on the good though, because too much of the bad is just depressing and it isn't fun to read back on those times. Anyway, in the "burning journal" you write down your thoughts, impressions, feelings, etc. about what happened. Write a letter to the attacker. Write a letter to yourself saying what you should have done instead. Put ALL of your emotion into it! When you're done, don't close the journal to read for another day. NO! (This is the best part!) YOU BURN IT!!


Why burn it? Because that way you are getting rid of that emotion for good. You won't be able to revisit it again on paper, no one else could carelessly run across it, and because watching it burn is fun! It's therapeutic, really. For me, it was nice watching those vile memories burn. It was almost as if a part of the attacker was actually on the paper itself, making it very satisfying to see him burn along with my tears and anger. For me, it was like practicing "out of sight, out of mind", but that it actually works this way! It helped me to focus on what was happening right then, to get my emotions out on paper, to get it out as soon as possible, and then move on with my day. It was really one of the few things that kept my mind away from thoughts of suicide.


I won't guarantee that this will cure all of the pain, anger, hurt, frustration, trust issues, or depression, but it will make you feel better about yourself. I promise you that. During the "burning journal" phase, I would petition God about it. Why would He let this happen to me? If He is omniscient and omnipotent, and truly loves me as we've been taught, why didn't He do anything to stop it from happening? I got this answer out of it: Because I needed to learn a lesson.


It goes along with the adage, "Bad things happen to good people." I think that I needed to learn patience (I've gotten a lot better, but still need some work), love, kindness, forgiveness, and faith from all of this. Sure enough, He came through for me in the end. I was never really alone in this, but He just took a backseat and only came forward when it was really necessary. He had me do the studying, reflecting, focusing, and searching by myself.


The other big thing that helped me cope was music. I've been playing cello now for 14+ years, and that proved to be another great way for me to have a healthy release of emotion. It's my main hobby, and it's a HUGE part of my life! I can think back and remember more times than I care to admit of locking myself in a room to practice and play my cello until my fingers were too sore to continue and were starting to bleed. (I'll step off the Humility Wagon here for a sec to say that I'm a really good cellist, and I learned a lot from that! *Hopping back on the Humility Wagon now*) So, find a hobby that you can lose yourself in for hours at a time.


So again, my fellow survivors, we are strong! There is nothing to fear in this. You aren't alone, and you never will be. You are all beautiful! You didn't do anything wrong. You deserve only the best out of life, and I know that you will find it! So, hold your head up high, be strong, be proud of who you are, walk with a purpose, and show the world how fabulous and great you really are (regardless of what may have happened)!